Thinking

So here I am again, with a racing mind and weary heart. So many things are happening and I have little control over any of it. Going to church helps, I enjoy the sermons and hymns. Reading the bible helps too, if only for the moment my eyes are fixed on the words. Still I worry, mostly because I am wired that way. I often think of the saying "life is what happens when you're busy planning" I've spent my entire life planning and life is yet to get on the same page :)

Be Well
D.V.

Not crazy, just a little unwell.

Have you ever heard the Matchbox 20 song "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"? Well that song seems to be the anthem of my existence. In my teens I was called crazy by my peers simply because I chose not to inhibit my true self. These days, firmly planted in adulthood I still feel as if I tow the line that divides the sane and the insane. I have never been like anyone else and mostly I have been proud of that but every once in a while, I have to wonder. For years I have been a stay at home mom because it occurred to me that my children needed me home more than they needed the money being gainfully employed afforded me. Now that they are older and fairly sound on their paths in life, well at least two of them are. I have been trying with every fiber of myself to return to the working world but I couldn't have picked a worse time to do so. There is fierce competition for the most trivial of jobs and my extended absence seems to weigh against me. I feel like my teen self again, straddling the line with deep desperation, bitterly unsure of what to do next. I suppose I am fortunate having made it this far and to gripe about my blessings makes me petty but I am stressing about so much and it all hinges on money. The college journey is about to begin for the older children and where, oh where, shall I find the money to make it so. I can hear you say; they can pay their own way and you may be right. However I did just that and I had hoped to save them the stress of having to do so as well. Then why didn't I plan ahead you ask; I did but as the saying goes, life happens while you're busy planning. looking around I see so many people who are, as I, hanging by a thread and I wonder if they too feel a little unwell...maybe I'm not so different after-all.

K.E-C
7-12-12

wishing you good mental health.

Pray

I know I have said it before but it warrants repeating; some days just need more prayer...

Today I come on bended knees
you know my cares, you know my needs
you see my heart in every beat
all that holds me bitter sweet.
Tis you oh Lord that keeps me up
that fills to overflow my cup
I ask of you this time, this day
guide my steps along the way.
For only you can see beyond...
this storm that blows steadfast and strong.

D.V.
July 30, 2012

Fear (by age)

I find it rather odd that I
once a child of yes! and why...
is stunted now in age
beyond the turn of page.

At 6 I jumped a gully clear
simply challenged by a dare
even though I wasn't sure I'd make it
I took a leap, shed my fear and aced it.

Walls and fences, cleared in pace
and though I never won a race
I simply put one foot before the other
at the countless dismays of my mother

I questioned everything I saw
cleaved through learning with great awe
so wide eyed and passionate indeed
didn't matter if I'd fail or succeed

The thrill I found was from the act
to learn, to play, to be in fact...
more than I was at the start
I held so much promise in my heart.

All the years danced in the dark
I knew I had to be my spark
in darkness I discovered I found peace
a place for my heartaches to release

But now I look upon these hands
that failed to be and understand
long ago they held the key
unlocking doors that set me free

The me that dreamt, that dared to fly
that faced the jump without a sigh
that asked a million questions, why..
me that lived in life, in spite of walls and strife.

Me that never wished for wealth
but held the hand that I was dealt
that walked for miles inside the storm
to feel each raindrop soft and warm

That hiked the mountain in the night
that fought exhaustion and my fright
to see the peak at morning light...
that girl, had spunk and might.

To her the moments had a thought
and every one had to be caught
the seconds turned for reasons true
and beckoned for her just to do

to take a step and make it so
to challenge knowledge, just to know
to run the race and feel the sweat
never running out of breath,
at least until her death...
I wish you could have met.

K E-C
aka Deo Volente
June 29, 2012

Thinking and the lack there of...

I hadn't realized until this very moment that my slump has lasted for months, sure I have jotted a note or verse here and there but I haven't really been writing. I won't go as far as to say I have lost my voice but I have lost my drive. The last two things I had to write were eulogies, which may be the reason but it may not. So many things have been going on, indicative of life I suppose, still I have fallen short. Too busy being busy and not making time for myself. Now that summer is here it really is no different, the days are lazy but I find that to be more frustrating than being franticly busy. The noise of nothing is deafening, for all I hear are thoughts I've failed to scribe...when my children aren't being rambunctious that is :)

D.V.

Catch me...

Catch me softly if you dare

In a whisper, I don’t care
When the waves crash into sand
Be my strong and steady hand

Reach far down into the deep
Where eyes close but never sleep
Still of starlight, unaware,
Catch me softly if you dare.

Deo Volente
June 19, 2012

Hope reply...

Yet hope is such a fleeting thing

The reason birds in springtime sing
Fishes try to swim upstream
Hope is but a foolish dream

Let life be as it was meant
Blessings lost and blessings sent
Fingers grasp the things they should
Longing for that which they could

Diminishing the pearl to be
For sand at first is what they see
Past and future each in place
Present surely can’t erase

Time should never kiss the pen
Scribing wishes now and then
Foresight gives the truth of growth
Hindsight will perfect the quote

Shackles form by way of if
Breaking free is just a gift
days are numbered
grains sublime
Even moments lost to rhyme.

Deo Volente
June 22, 2012