Thinking

So here I am again, with a racing mind and weary heart. So many things are happening and I have little control over any of it. Going to church helps, I enjoy the sermons and hymns. Reading the bible helps too, if only for the moment my eyes are fixed on the words. Still I worry, mostly because I am wired that way. I often think of the saying "life is what happens when you're busy planning" I've spent my entire life planning and life is yet to get on the same page :)

Be Well
D.V.

Not crazy, just a little unwell.

Have you ever heard the Matchbox 20 song "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"? Well that song seems to be the anthem of my existence. In my teens I was called crazy by my peers simply because I chose not to inhibit my true self. These days, firmly planted in adulthood I still feel as if I tow the line that divides the sane and the insane. I have never been like anyone else and mostly I have been proud of that but every once in a while, I have to wonder. For years I have been a stay at home mom because it occurred to me that my children needed me home more than they needed the money being gainfully employed afforded me. Now that they are older and fairly sound on their paths in life, well at least two of them are. I have been trying with every fiber of myself to return to the working world but I couldn't have picked a worse time to do so. There is fierce competition for the most trivial of jobs and my extended absence seems to weigh against me. I feel like my teen self again, straddling the line with deep desperation, bitterly unsure of what to do next. I suppose I am fortunate having made it this far and to gripe about my blessings makes me petty but I am stressing about so much and it all hinges on money. The college journey is about to begin for the older children and where, oh where, shall I find the money to make it so. I can hear you say; they can pay their own way and you may be right. However I did just that and I had hoped to save them the stress of having to do so as well. Then why didn't I plan ahead you ask; I did but as the saying goes, life happens while you're busy planning. looking around I see so many people who are, as I, hanging by a thread and I wonder if they too feel a little unwell...maybe I'm not so different after-all.

K.E-C
7-12-12

wishing you good mental health.

Pray

I know I have said it before but it warrants repeating; some days just need more prayer...

Today I come on bended knees
you know my cares, you know my needs
you see my heart in every beat
all that holds me bitter sweet.
Tis you oh Lord that keeps me up
that fills to overflow my cup
I ask of you this time, this day
guide my steps along the way.
For only you can see beyond...
this storm that blows steadfast and strong.

D.V.
July 30, 2012